Now

I don't recognize who I am anymore 

I used to walk fast

I had a quick determined gate

Long strides

leaning forward

I had places to go

Where
I do not know

Now 
I find myself in a strangers lumber

I stand taller

My chin is lifted

but my jaw is not set

nearly as often

My hips are settled and sway

I walk in relative slow motion 

In relaxed contemplation

I think 

'who's skin is this 
that I am so comfortable in?'

I used to smile a lot

Not that it was unnatural 

or forced

but I felt the impulse to lift someone's face 

before I even saw them

My dentist would ask me

'Do you grind your teeth when you sleep?'

and I thought 

I don't know about at night

but I sure as hell do during the day

Now 
when I see someone

I wait

I look first

To see who they are

To see where they are

because maybe a smile 

isn't appropriate 

for them 

or for me

I am conscious of my own space first

Aware of my soul as it extends out ahead of me

I allow it to signal back to my heart and mind 

Just before my body catches up
A little easier to do
Now 
that my pace is slower

I used to joke about everything 

'Cause everything was funny to me

Anything can be

if you look at it that way

But my jokes were made of steel

Armed with raw truths

Stocked with personal insight

Jumping the gun 

with depreciation 

before anyone else could even think to load

I still fall back sometimes

from flesh wounds 

self inflicted by my own revolver

Now
it's more like Russian roulette 

Most of my jokes light 

like the air in an empty cylinder case

Harmful to no one

except for a single bullet 

I save for myself 

when an unfamiliar duel 

introduces itself

All I can do
is continue to 
pull my gun out of its holster

and throw it in the dirt

Now 
that I think about it

maybe I should just take off the damn holster

I used to have lots of opinions

Be brave 
I thought

Speak up

Let your voice be heard
I would say to myself

and every time I did

My heart would pound

My hands would shake

My mouth would run dry

as my mind scrambled 

to find the perfect things to say

Now 
I listen 

I listen longer

Harder...or maybe softer

More completely... I hope

I listen to what others are saying

and what they are not

I resist the urge to fill the silence

with wit or intellect

Instead

I listen to what my heart murmurs 

Underneath the heart attack of my thoughts 

I listen for what I need to say

Regardless of whether it's right or wrong

Sometimes I don't have to say anything at all

I spent the first half of my life digging for a voice

That got buried a long time ago

and it's funny
Now 
that it has been unearthed

I don't feel the need to use it all the time

The cadavers of the past are much too heavy to drag around

It is unnecessary energy spent on forward momentum 

which only makes me aware of the weight that is pulling me back 

when all I am trying to do is walk
upright

from one minute to the next

Slow time down as much as I can

so my soul can move forward

Just enough 
to be able to seeee meeeeee

Even if I only exist
Now
within the moment

within the motion 

within the movement 

of walking