Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Gas-lighting myself

I am taking inventory 
in this personal 12 step program for lying
This mastery of gaslighting myself 
It is a game of strip poker
and I am the dealer
the wheeler
and the chump
What happens when I run out of chips
How many rounds do I get
Who is going to know if I slip
Who will hold me accountable 
Am I a bad person if I bluff to protect myself 
Am I a good person if I take a hit to protect you 

If my honesty breaks your heart
would it still be considered a virtue
If my deceit brings you sweet day dreams
then my sleep is filled with nightmares 
If my total and utter transparency
completely strips you of your self agency
All will be forgiven
if my intentions are pure
with the desire to make myself more self aware

If the hand I have been dealt
has been a labrynth
through mine fields
of sin and sorrow and wrong
but all of it has been right for me
does that mean my story will be called out
as hustle, justification and excuse
playing, gaming and shade
or will it be met with an effort to understand
that it is really just a misdirection of pain

I am the master gas-lighter
in this recovery program
ain’t nobody counting cards
except me
I am the dealer
the wheeler
and the chump
So place your bets
Show your hand
All trump on the table
All clothes on the floor
No matter what hand you are dealt
No matter what tricks you trade
nobody wins this naked spade game