Dig

I dig

I'm good at it

I spade

I poke

I prod

I scoop

I shovel

I chop

I grip with both hands

Pound the blade into the earth

So intent on the importance of my effort

Indignantly focused on maintaining my dignity

that I don't see when I chop through my own roots

roots that are in my way

On my way down
On my way down
On my way down

and then

I dig even deeper 

I feel like I have been digging 

for a very long time

I remember 

Digging in the sandbox 

when I was three 

somehow intrinsically 

I already knew what dirt tasted like

But I heaped a spoon with grit 

and filled my mouth with it 

anyway

as if the desert drying

and granular grinding 

was the normal state 

that my teeth and tongue 

were supposed to be in

It seemed like a logical decision 

We come from the dirt

Return to it when we are done

Made of the same elements 

Just visitors of space rocks and stardust

Or maybe it was just that

my body felt like it was full of dirt already

As of late

in the morning 

I dig my feet into the mattress 

Push myself out of bed

Dig the spoon into the grounds 

Push myself out the door 

Dig my toes into the concrete 

Push myself down the street 

When the rush is at its peak 

and my patience is pushed to its limit

a midday moment 

that mirrors 

the desperation 

of a midnight hour

teeters on the edge of depletion 

Its an insistent redundant surge 

of hopelessness stirred

by the futility of endless digging 

Seduced again

by the fertility 

of soft top soil

Finding myself in the dark 

only to look up for the light 

as I realize 

I have burrowed myself into a hole again

I inspect the dirt

Under my fingernails 

and instead of cleaning it out 

I wear it as a badge of work ethic

when really 

its just a resistance to 

coming clean 

Like a child who cries at bath time

Clinging to hiding behind the grime

from the digging of the day

Evidence of accomplishment 

Residue of duty and diligence 

Dirt tracks that prove existence 

Smears of meaning that dry to a crust

and then crack upon the surface of the skin

Traces of mud 

in exchange for the feeling 

that someone saw 
even the smallest grain of sand

Held your worth in their hands 

like overflowing handfuls of garden
or is it overflowing landfills of garbage

sometimes I cant tell
because old habits die hard

instinctually my heels dig in

and it is then

that I dig the deepest 

I dig my nails through my thickened skin

Between the fibers of the overworked muscle of the day

push my thumbs into the thick red clay

of my stubborn heart

Dig through the stories upon stories 
stacked deep within my mind

Wrap my fingers around my bones

Squeeze and shake  

with all my might

Until all the dirt and rocks 

and dust and bugs

and rats and snakes

and trolls and gremlins
and every last thing that could bite

falls out

It is not my intention

to be an undignified ditch digger

making new trenches just to have a path to follow

there is no need for my work ethic

to become my worth deficit

For there are already fields of holes

Yards of graves for the choosing

that I may fall into from time to time 

I don't need to dig more for myself

Instead I need to dig my way out

I tell myself it is with loving gesture

that I claw and scratch 

Cut through the fog of my vision 

Dig through my irreverence

through my sarcasm

through projected self judgement

It digs through me

as I witness it digging through you

Reverence is unearthed

revealed through the realization

that the respect lacking in my words and actions towards you

reflects the respect lacking in my words and actions towards me  

I've learned that

pushing

rushing

running 

forcing

hiding

panicking 
spinning

digging 

really doesn't work

It often makes things worse 

lessons learned better late than never

I just wish could learn them

without the inflicted casualties

and self sacrifices along the way

But I digress

because I don’t know what else I am here to do

but dig through my life

Dig through my dirt

So I keep digging

and digging

and digging

and digging

and digging

and I suppose I will

until I realize

that I will I never reach the bottom

if I continue
to insist 
on digging.