Anger

I have never really had the best relationship with anger.   
Like many people,  throughout the years, I have seen a plethora of examples of how to express anger in a unproductive, passive aggressive, destructive and violent way, or not at all, which is equally all of the former.  Come to think of it, there aren’t very many people, if any, that I know of, who know how to express anger in an articulate, passionate, direct and respectful way. 

Also, like many people, I have a long list of things I think I have a right to be angry about.  Regardless of whether I am right or wrong, the result is that I carry around a seemingly bottomless well of rage.  I carry it around, like a Molotov cocktail, sloshing around my insides with every step.  Gives a Fitbit a whole new meaning.

At this point in my journey, my refusal to remain numb and my desire to be alive is maintained by a receptive state of awareness.  This awareness is continually re-enstated by my choice to allow the repeated surfacing of emotions that I have denied myself access to for decades.  That sounds exhausting.  It fucking is.  

Therefore, anger flares faster and hotter inside me now than I have ever experienced.  It takes me by surprise and floods my brain and body with chemicals before I even know what is happening.  I thrash and drown in the water of that rage well, before I even know I am falling.  Extremely frustrating, because for the majority of my life this was never me.  I didn’t get angry.  Ever.  No exaggeration.  Rarely did I cry or feel joy either.  

So now I don’t feel like myself anymore.  I don’t know who this is.  I don’t like my behavior, probably because I don’t have control over it.  I know its healthier to feel the anger, however its not the best emotion to feel out of control about, and in this case, I can’t seem to get behind the whole  practice makes perfect mantra. 

I have also reached a place in my mind where this lack of control is paired with an acceptance of the fact that there may be this long ass list of things I am angry about...but there is also nothing else I can do about any of them, anymore.  Im tired.  Im done.  Im done trying to fix shit.  I cannot fix anything or anyone.  Nor should I.  They don’t need to be fixed.  Im done trying to fix myself.  I don’t read self help books anymore.  I don’t see a therapist to put the puzzle together anymore.  I’m done dissecting myself to see what is wrong with me.  There is nothing wrong with me and I don’t need to be fixed.

However, all that being said, the remaining persistence still seems to be anger.  Being angry, no matter how necessary, is generally unpleasant.  Particularly in excess.  For no logical, external reason.  In moments of desperation I search for any evidence of an idea I have read from several sources: that our greatest weakness is also our greatest asset.  

Anger - a white, hot, instant surge of energy rendering me thoughtless.  Read that again.  Admittedly, thoughtless, can be a dangerous state of mind.  Capable of producing harsh and cruel.  However, those would be particular choices and actions following thoughtlessness.  Thoughtless, from another perspective, can also be an extremely creative state of mind.  Thoughtless is literally the goal of meditation.  

Anger - a drag race, unzipping of my skin, revealing my dragons of defensiveness and exposing my deepest sensitivity.  Read that again.  It exposes my deepest sensitivity, unknown to even myself.  It leaves me  unrecognizable, presenting an opportunity to create myself anew.   The destructive force of anger can also hold the fuel for my highest creativity.  

Like it or not, this hot head supernova, comes from my source, comes from source, IS source.  I just wish the evolution of my changing perspectives would make the light of source not quite as blinding in the moments of explosion.

Nova

A transient astronomical event

A sudden appearance 

of a bright “new" star

that slowly fades 

over several weeks 

or many months. 

Nova was almost here

Made from two families 

A mix of brown and white 

Straight and curly 

Her skin was surely cocoa butter 

Her eyes were surely bright

Nova was almost here

The light of her presence 

melted a family together 

for 9 full moons

before she had to go back home 

Play

Mining My Undermining

Undermining: 

the action or process 

of lessening 

the effectiveness, power or ability 

of someone or something

gradually

insidiously

Alpine Germanic roots: 

to weaken, hinder, or impair

to erode the base or foundation

to dig a hole underneath

the mountain I am climbing

making it likely to collapse 

Historically, culturally, generationally tested

No wonder I am so good at it

I had lots of examples

Originally spelled with a 'y' instead of an 'i':

To myne is mine

To undermyne another

holds the echo of self sabotage

Shout my name into the canyon

Shake the ground with fear

If captive by the patterns of protection

then unable to cease the egoic projection

So consumed by the energy exerted 

to hold you underground

that I must stay there too 

A design that guarantees 

neither one of us 

will ever get to see the light of day

Pathways

Dark settles in just below my eyebrows

because the sunshine lands bright upon my forehead

Gentle warm caresses my eyelids heavy

Heavy sinks deep into the bottom of my sockets

drains throughout the pathways of my sinuses

flowing into my skull full of mad

This hot pessimistic neuron trance 

is soothed by the solar my bare head basks in

Hard headed to say where one ends and the other begins

Pleasure and pain blur together

A stone soup of emotional weather

A sharknado of defenses and accusations

My soft self is swept up in the wind

While my ego says “surfs up dude!”

My hurricane lasts about 3 days

You can survive just fine if you stay in the eye

but the rest of the world gets destroyed

Wade through the flooding and debree

Fires and uprooted trees

Foundations have crumbled

Powerlines jumbled 

There is no lack of electricity

It’s just not controlled anymore

Ripped free and returned to its lightening

randomly striking

running amuck in the dark

A few seconds of spark

gifting flashes of pathways

leading back to the edge of the clouds

where the sun is still shining

You are the lake.

Eckhart Tolle says “You are the lake.  What happens in the outside world causes the ripples and waves.”

If someone throws a stone into the lake it will disturb the water.  Ripples, splashes and waves will form.  If I wait long enough the ripples will go away and the calm will eventually return.

When I want things to change in my life and I am at a loss for what to do, I often throw stones.  It's an annoying habit I have observed within myself.  Throughout much of my life I have avoided conflict but in other ways I think I am addicted to the puzzle of it.  I have habitually responded to what I often hear as criticism, within my relationships, particularly my romantic partner relationships, with defensiveness and anger.  Sometimes, rightly so.  But as of late…as of being tired of labeling myself as the angry one in the relationship...as of being tired of my same old communication patterns...as of being tired of repeating the same old mistakes in a new relationship...and as of listening to lots of Buddhist thought on the matter…I have been attempting to form a different approach.  The question is, “what would happen if I didn’t react to someone’s opinion at all.”  What if I listened, responded with “I hear you and I respect your opinion and I disagree”… if that happens to be the case and, most importantly, WITHOUT any further efforts put into explaining or reiterating my point of view.  What if I didn’t take the bait.  

Eckhart Tolle also says that there are two kinds of ego that we all have.  The positive and the negative.  The good version of ourselves and the bad version of ourselves.  Both are ego.  But the negative ego is the stronger one.  The bad version of ourselves holds on harder.  Mine sure as hell does. Blaming and guilt are both internal dialogues that we have with ourselves and others that strengthen the negative ego.  Blaiming and guilt are nothing but bait.  For the other person and for my own ego.  Within an argument there is so often a subconscious obsession with winning.  The irony is that this focus on winning actually reduces our own personal power.  The more we allow our emotions to control our thinking the more out of control we become.  Remaining neutral is a way to calm the water.  No reaction.  If I don’t react, then there can be no perpetuation of the same old actions.  Something different will happen.  I’m not referring to indifference, certainly not contempt or silent treatment.  The ego is sly.  Different might mean unpredictable and very subtle, anti-climactic even, but still different.  

Sigh.  However, I find that not reacting is actually an extremely difficult thing to do.  I hope it gets easier with practice.  I squirm like a cat in a leash every time.  For a good long while.  And sometimes it wins.  I take off the leash and lash out.  I am so conditioned to have a response but it really is an unnecessary reaction.  It’s ok to just listen, let what is said settle in and hear it very well.  

Then maybe a response will come or maybe not.  There is power in calm and silence.  It is a way to honor myself and my experience.  I don’t owe anyone an immediate answer.  I am allowed to think about something and feel something as long as I need to.  I am allowed to make space for myself.  If I am really done jumping for others, then I can take that all the way down to the details.  

This is the beginning of acceptance when in conflict with anyone.  It doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion.  It doesn’t mean I agree with the other existing opinions in the situation.  It doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings and emotions.  It doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t valid.  It doesn’t mean I am allowing someone to push me around or bully me or use me.  It doesn’t require defending my position or validating the other's.  Acceptance is neutral.  The only thing it requires is listening.  That’s it.  To the other person but also to myself and my own reaction.  Instead of being swallowed by my reaction, I can see it, feel it and let it be there, instead of panicking to do something about it.  

The only thing to do, when I become angry and irritated, when a stone is thrown into the water, is pause and listen.  To the other person, to the silence, to my breathing, to my own maniacal thoughts, whatever.  Even if it’s only for 30 seconds, which is sometimes all I am capable of.  It stops the perpetuation of war, even if only for a moment.

I shall not be contained