Tuesday, September 1, 2015


I don't recognize who I am anymore 
I used to walk fast
I had a quick determined gate
Long strides
leaning forward
I had places to go
I do not know
I find myself in a strangers lumber
I stand taller
My chin is lifted
but my jaw is not set
nearly as often
My hips are settled and sway
I walk in relative slow motion 
In relaxed contemplation
I think 
'who's skin is this 
that I am so comfortable in?'

I used to smile a lot
Not that it was unnatural 
or forced
but I felt the impulse to lift someone's face 
before I even saw them
My dentist would ask me
'Do you grind your teeth when you sleep?'
and I thought 
I don't know about at night
but I sure as hell do during the day
when I see someone
I wait
I look first
To see who they are
To see where they are
because maybe a smile 
isn't appropriate 
for them 
or for me
I am conscious of my own space first
Aware of my soul as it extends out ahead of me
I allow it to signal back to my heart and mind 
Just before my body catches up
A little easier to do
that my pace is slower

I used to joke about everything 
'Cause everything was funny to me
Anything can be
if you look at it that way
But my jokes were made of steel
Armed with raw truths
Stocked with personal insight
Jumping the gun 
with depreciation 
before anyone else could even think to load
I still fall back sometimes
from flesh wounds 
self inflicted by my own revolver
it's more like Russian roulette 
Most of my jokes light 
like the air in an empty cylinder case
Harmful to no one
except for a single bullet 
I save for myself 
when an unfamiliar duel 
introduces itself
All I can do
is continue to 
pull my gun out of its holster
and throw it in the dirt
that I think about it
maybe I should just take off the damn holster

I used to have lots of opinions
Be brave 
I thought
Speak up
Let your voice be heard
I would say to myself
and every time I did
My heart would pound
My hands would shake
My mouth would run dry
as my mind scrambled 
to find the perfect things to say
I listen 
I listen longer
Harder...or maybe softer
More completely... I hope
I listen to what others are saying
and what they are not
I resist the urge to fill the silence
with wit or intellect
I listen to what my heart murmurs 
Underneath the heart attack of my thoughts 
I listen for what I need to say
Regardless of whether it's right or wrong
Sometimes I don't have to say anything at all
I spent the first half of my life digging for a voice
That got buried a long time ago
and it's funny
that it has been unearthed
I don't feel the need to use it all the time
The cadavers of the past are much too heavy to drag around
It is unnecessary energy spent on forward momentum 
which only makes me aware of the weight that is pulling me back 
when all I am trying to do is walk
from one minute to the next
Slow time down as much as I can
so my soul can move forward
Just enough 
to be able to seeee meeeeee
Even if I only exist
within the moment
within the motion 
within the movement 
of walking

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