Monday, September 7, 2015

So far

So far
most of the time 
I am strong enough
In so many moments of difficulty 
that rise day to day
I know how to pull up my grit
from the depths of me 
But there are times
that my serving spoon
scrapes the bottom of the pot
and lifting the ladle 
becomes exhausting 
Questions stir 
Why don't I get to let the panic rise in my chest like hunger
Why don't I get to ask 
out loud 
in a pleading voice 
that sounds the bitter taste
of the desperation I sometimes feel 
about how difficult things are 
how difficult things can be
I want to ball up my fists 
and pound the table on either side of the plate
that sits in front of me 
I want to rattle and bounce 
the silverware and china 
at the place that I have set 
with the dinner 
that I have made 
and scream 
this is not what I wanted 
Why can't I have what I wanted?
I didn't get the recipe right 
This isn't what it is supposed to taste like
Why don't I get to crumble like my culinary failings 
Why don't I get to curl up
into defeat 
and plead with the head chef
Please, please, please 
let me try it again

However, I know 
that you can't make the same meal twice 
it's impossible
If I discard the first mess
without appreciating all of its subtlety
fully and completely 
then I will still be hungry
So instead 
I take a deep breath
I sit down at the placemat I have made 
from old napkin scraps of previous savoring 
Pick up the knife and fork 
which wait patiently 
beside each side of the serving
I use both utensils 
Prepare my fork with all the ingredients
and slowly take a bite 
I identify all the flavors
The ones I got right 
and the ones I did not
I taste the understanding 
of how all the nuances are now mixed together 
creating something unique 
a whole and complete dish
and I allow my whole heart to break
for the perfections and imperfections 
for my abilities and inabilities 
for the gift of this moment 
that may be irreplaceable 
Now I will have this refection 
I will clean my platter
I will clear my table
I will fill the sink with hot soapy water
I will scrub the pots and pans
And if I am so lucky
to be granted another day 
in the kitchen 
I will welcome the pangs 
I will open the pantry
pull out the recipe books 
and get to work preparing
the next most delicious feast 
that I have ever made
So far

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