Sunday, April 19, 2015

Fast Forward

My mind wont shut up
My heart is pleading with it
but the thoughts just keep rolling out
Someone just pushed the fast forward button
on my life
and now the pace of my days
matches the breakneck
of my brain activity
What if I don’t have enough time
it says
I have so much to get done in such a short amount of time
and here you are….writing a poem, dumb ass!
it shouts
What if I make the wrong decision
it whispers
What if I cant go
I already know I cant go
What if she is disappointed in me
What if she needs me
and I am letting her down
What if I cant be there to hold her
What if I cannot bare not being there to hold her
What if I am too much to handle
What if I am too insecure
What if I am too confident
What if I am not interesting
What if I am trying too hard
What if I am annoying
What if I fail
What if I don’t have enough money
What if my truck breaks down
What if the river floods any more and all my stuff floats away
What if I am being ungrateful
What if it is too late
What if they are disappointed in me
What if they don’t understand me

They don’t understand me
I have spent the last 6 months alone
No one knows
I have no witnesses here
Only me
What about me?
They dont ask that question
Its not theirs to ask
Instead
they ask
What are you going to do
What about your future
Where are you going to go
What about a place to stay
What about your career
What about your finances
What about all that you have worked for
What about your reputation
What happens if you don’t have enough time
What happens if you don’t have enough money
What if I make the wrong decisions
What if I am too much to handle
What if I am too insecure
What if I am too confident
What if I am not interesting
What if I am trying too hard
What if I am annoying
What if I fail
What if I don’t have enough money
What if my truck breaks down
What if the river floods any more and all my stuff floats away
What if I am being ungrateful
What if it is too late
What if they are disappointed in me
What if they don’t understand me
What if I cant be with the one who understands me
What about my future
What about a place to stay
What about my career
What about my finances
What if I don’t have enough money
What about all that I have worked for
What about my reputation

Stop

Fuck my reputation
What about me?
I have spent the last 6 months alone
No one knows
I have no witnesses here
Only me
They don’t ask that question
Its not theirs to ask
It is mine
I have so much to get done in such a short amount of time
and here I am….writing a poem
Because I hurt
and it is the only way I know to soothe myself
The only question left to ask is…
what about me
The only person that needs to ask it…
is me

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I know

When I was 13
I used to say
‘I know’
all the time
Drove my dad nuts
Maybe it was the eyerolling
or the long sighs
or the tongue smacking
which accompanied it
Coaxing the vein out
in his forehead
He was around my age
when I threw those words around
so carelessly
I now know
what he knew then
That I don't know shit
Certainly didn't when I was 13
and even less now at 38

One of the very few things
that I do know
is that the words
I know
can be two of the most
powerful words
in the English language

I know
can be a declarative statement
Whatever follows
holds the echoing
the ripple
the resonance
of defining who you are
Bringing waves
that wash away who you used to be

I know
can be a curtain
that when drawn aside
reveals what is understood
and what is not
filling the room with light
illuminating details that once hid in cast shadows

I know
can be clarifying
the meaning it claims to hold
is determined
by the difference
between
experience
and lack there of
coming into focus
through the lens of trying something different

Most importantly
I know
can be affectual
full of feeling
and being felt

I know
can be emphatic
locking each other's gaze
with silent nods
and outstretched hands

I know
can be sweetness
held between
the jaws of clenched teeth
and swallowed pride

I know
can be Surrender
the willingness
to let your heart break
under the weight
of what you know
and in the absence
of what you don't

I know
can be
the web
that gets untangled
with patient nimble fingers
waiting for the knots to loosen
tenderly pulling at the strands
silently studying
the woven patterns
to follow the path
back to where it started

I know
can be the thread
the thread that connects us
the thread that sews us
back together
the sutures that crisscross
back and forth
over the edges of our cracks
holding us together
I will hold you
through what you know
Please hold me
through what I don't
For it is only through this holding
that we truly get to know
anything at all
and the only thing worth knowing
is each other