Panic

Sometimes 
the world feels so big

it makes me panic

I look at the miles that I travel

and all the worlds that unravel

before my eyes

when I sit with all the people

that I think I know

As I grow older

I get luckier

because the boundaries of my globe

don't shrink

they grow

The places called belonging and connection

aren't located at the end of a singular road

Paths to walk have splayed out around me

like a spider web surrounding

and just when I think

I have connected all the intersecting threads

my life moves forward

and the pattern spreads 

The rare moments that I am capable of 
presence

become birthstones of my momentary existence 

The coal of mundane

compresses minutes

and hours

and days

making diamond memories

to be mined later

in the quiet library of my mind

The time

it takes to travel

in between

all those crystal destinations

all the introspective transportation

makes me panic

about this constantly fracturing

and continuously scattered incantation 

I find shards of shrapnel 

Timeless glimpses of past and future 

Captivating sparkly distractions

that keep me from noticing

the latitudinal and longitudinal lines

that are wrapping up around me

forming the grenade

that is once again soon to explode

Is this just the process of evolution

this repetition of emotional implode

Mushroom cloud billows of blossoming smoke

Crackling tangles of glass
Cities are built
go to war
turn to ash
Generations come and then pass

Centuries of ancient forest decay

produce newborn blooms of seasonal growth
Cumulus cycles come in all shades of grey

there are hidden solar storms 
that accompany sunshiny days

followed by hypnotic rolling oceans

softly kissed by silent moon rays

I am but a universal blink

by the eye of this sleeping giant we call time   

No wonder I should panic

from the understanding

of the magnificently minute

microcosmic measure of my life 

No wonder I insist on holding this mold

that I continuously break

No wonder I sift through

the aftermath rubble 

like chicken bones in a witch doctors hand

No wonder I inspect the skins of my cocoons

spread out and searched through

like a map of the internal land

No wonder my tiny brain

can barely understand

that my significance is even less than

a fraction of a speck of stardust

swirling in the irresistable magnetism of a black hole

and also

that it is 
as beautiful 
and fleeting

as the icy fractalled lifespan

of a single perfect flake of snow 

So there is no need to panic

because when I stop to think about it

the world doesnt really 

feel very big

at all

Let it.

Let love swallow you

Let it imagine you

Let it dream about you 

Let it look at you

Let it study you 

Let it admire you 

and want you 

Let it reach for you 

Let it touch you 

and feel for you in the dark

let it smell you 

and inhale you

let its mouth water for you 

let it take you between its teeth 

and let it saver you 

and you damn well better savor it 

let it bite you 

sink it's teeth in

let it gnaw 

and scrape 

and tear your flesh a part 

Let it chew and gulp 

and gasp in between 

and grind you into a pulp 

that can be digested 

and then 

let it swallow you 

Let it take away your appetite 

or move your food through you 

whatever the case may be

the way that only love can do 

Let it make your head light

and your mind dizzy 

and your nights sweaty

allow it to engulf you in flames 

Walk the streets with your hair on fire

Don't hold anything back

because abandon is the fuel for desire 

Let it take you over completely 

and don't you dare feel guilty

let it wash away all of your sins 

Can I get an amen

let it rinse out all of your sorrows

in the moments that it can

don't worry, they will still be there tomorrow

and then let it drown you 

deep in its ocean

like buried treasure

because 

you 

are

Let it bury you 

deep in the ground 

so deep 

That the old you will stay there

and only the roots 

of the tallest trees 

can find you and pull you up

like new-trients 

and lift you as high as the tips of the leaves

Let it carry you to the moon and back again

let it take you over 

and pull you under

with the forces of tides 

that run like currents through your veins

Let it revere you 

and become dear to you 

Let it take your breath away 

fill your heart with play

Let it empty the sky of clouds 

and calm the water to its depths 

Let it make the world become clear to you 

even if for just a moment 

Let it fill the night with storms and wind

let it cut you to the core

Let it turn you into the most shameless whore

and liar 

and beggar 

and cheat

and thief 

Let it hurt you 

and desert you 

Let it crush you 

and flush you

with rage  

and jealousy 

and greed

and grief

Let it bring out the worst in you 

It's ok

because it will most definitely 

bring out the best in you 

and we can endure the worst 

if the best is yet to come

and it is

It always is

Let it float to the surface 

in the wake of the aftermath 

Let love rebuild your belief

that the best is yet to come 

It came to you 

It came from you 

Let it make you a prisoner of hope

let it grow you

and show you 

the next step 

when one foot in front of the other 

is all you can take

Let it make you 

by breaking you 

into teeny tiny little puzzle pieces 

that you have to put back together again 

let it find you 

let it lose you 

let it yearn for you 

Let it miss you 

and choose you 

let it thrill you 

and kill you 

let it skin you alive 

and eat you 

let it feed you 

plant seeds in you 

create needs in you 

let it see through you 

and be free through you 

let it fill your insides 

like the sound of a choir

and distill you 

like moonshine in a mason jar

let it walk with you 

and talk with you 

let it laugh with you 

and die with you 

let it live in you 

and cry with you

let it listen to you 

and 

you 

should 

listen 

to it

Let it find you 

in your hiding places 

and unwind you 

from your twisted spaces 

let it unfold you

like the endless petals of a ranunculus

year after year

time after time after time

as many times as it takes

and if it leaves

let it

Let it mourn you 

and you it 

Let it transform you 

and know that you have transformed it

and if it stays 

LET IT

Let it adorn you 

and you it 

Let it transform you 

and know that you have transformed it 

It comes and goes 

ebbs and flows

hides and seeks 

It sings and speaks

It's all that we have 

and all that we are

When you find it

it can enfold you 

with gentle ecstasy 

lift you with electricity 

it holds the power 

to cocoon you 

and it holds the power 

to butterfly you 

But 

you 

have 

to 

let it.

Recent work, 6/05/17

ACWL - Artist in Residence mural project. Super fun!

Beckoning Royal Majestic

Since I left you

I ate a donut

the size of my head

Washed it down with

3 shots of espresso

Veered off the highway

to an unknown strip mall

Bought a new pair of shoes

I didn't need

Missed my next three exits

Almost drove off the road

trying to remove my jacket

like a fervent twister

Twitched incessantly in my seat

as sweat dripped

down my sides

until

surrender … finally … came

deep breathing

long audible sighs

tears spilling

from the outside corners of my eyes

rolling down the sides of my cheeks

as I passed the gas station in Decatur

where I once gave a lovely old woman

the flowers I had bought you

Let go

and find peace

you said

What the fuck does that mean

Telling me to let go

is like super gluing my hand

to a grand piano

while you proceed to sit down

and play

endless

meandering … dissonant ... jazz chords

I have found 

fleeting moments of peace

in my life

but they are located in the past

and there is no map

that I know of

that can help me find them

in the future

and you certainly arent going to

The problem is

when I am flying solo

I tend to get lost easily

but maybe that isn't really a problem

since knowing where I am going

has never brought me to any place

I have wanted to stay anyway

Sometimes

I worry

that I don't know the difference

Between calm and numb

because the one thing

they have in common

is the stillness

the quiet

its maddening

chaos has always been the heroin of my existence

and I am good at standing in the eye of the storm

However, my comfort with fear 

makes me no smarter than a monkey

If I would just let go of the goddamn banana

maybe I could pull my hand out of the bottle

Most days I feel like

a wild coyote

stuck in a trap

and it is all I can do

not to chew off my own foot

Because I have been taught

that being a cautious three legged dog

is better than being a car chasing

dead one

no matter how much freedom 
the death of this identity may bring

I have lost all my sense of direction

from insistently following

these thoughts clouded with fear

Instead of fearlessly diving into 

the beckoning, royal, majestic

called the unknown

Thunderheads billow on my left

Deep violet violence

with asymmetrical fractals of lightening

Sunset burning on my right

Florescence orange

beams through a foggy maze

Driving straight through

the flat plains of windmills

Headed toward an indigo sky

Random electric flashes

bring me back to the present

illuminate my way

revealing midnight cumulus tendril fingers

that stretch over head

Reaching for me

Wrapping around me

This front has no clear end

and I have forgotten where it began

all I know is that I don’t want to front anymore

In my altered state of mind

my fight or flight purple haze

I have completely lost track of time

But maybe that's ok

because I know that

At the end of every drug trip

is the dry up

At the end of every road trip

is the quiet

and maybe I will find peace

in the stillness

if I just keep driving

and allow this storm

to swallow me up