Since I left you
I ate a donut
the size of my head
Washed it down with
3 shots of espresso
Veered off the
highway
to an unknown strip
mall
Bought a new pair of
shoes
I didn't need
Missed my next three
exits
Almost drove off the
road
trying to remove my
jacket
like a fervent
twister
Twitched incessantly
in my seat
as sweat dripped
down my sides
until
surrender …
finally … came
deep breathing
long audible sighs
tears spilling
from the outside
corners of my eyes
rolling down the
sides of my cheeks
as I passed the gas
station in Decatur
where I once gave a
lovely old woman
the flowers I had
bought you
Let go
and find peace
you said
What the fuck does
that mean
Telling me to let go
is like super gluing
my hand
to a grand piano
while you proceed to
sit down
and play
endless
meandering … dissonant ...
jazz chords
I have found
fleeting moments of
peace
in my life
but they are located
in the past
and there is no map
that I know of
that can help me
find them
in the future
and you certainly arent going to
The problem is
when I am flying
solo
I tend to get lost
easily
but maybe that isn't
really a problem
since knowing where
I am going
has never brought me
to any place
I have wanted to
stay anyway
Sometimes
I worry
that I don't know the
difference
Between calm
and numb
because the one
thing
they have in common
is the stillness
the quiet
its maddening
chaos has always
been the heroin of my existence
and I am good at
standing in the eye of the storm
However, my comfort
with fear
makes me no
smarter than a monkey
If I would just let
go of the goddamn banana
maybe I could pull
my hand out of the bottle
Most days I feel
like
a wild coyote
stuck in a trap
and it is all I can
do
not to chew off my
own foot
Because I have been
taught
that being a
cautious three legged dog
is better than being
a car chasing
dead one
no matter how much
freedom
the death of this identity may bring
the death of this identity may bring
I have lost all my
sense of direction
from insistently
following
these thoughts
clouded with fear
Instead of fearlessly
diving into
the beckoning,
royal, majestic
called the unknown
Thunderheads billow
on my left
Deep violet violence
with asymmetrical
fractals of lightening
Sunset burning on my
right
Florescence orange
beams through a
foggy maze
Driving straight through
the flat plains of
windmills
Headed toward an
indigo sky
Random electric
flashes
bring me back to the
present
illuminate my way
revealing
midnight cumulus tendril fingers
that stretch over
head
Reaching for me
Wrapping around me
This front has no
clear end
and I have forgotten
where it began
all I know is that I
don’t want to front anymore
In my altered state
of mind
my fight or flight
purple haze
I have completely
lost track of time
But maybe that's ok
because I know
that
At the end of every
drug trip
is the dry up
At the end of every
road trip
is the quiet
and maybe I will
find peace
in the stillness
if I just keep
driving
and allow this storm
to swallow me up