Gas-lighting myself

I am taking inventory 

in this personal 12 step program for lying

This mastery of gaslighting myself 

It is a game of strip poker

and I am the dealer

the wheeler

and the chump

What happens when I run out of chips

How many rounds do I get

Who is going to know if I slip

Who will hold me accountable 

Am I a bad person if I bluff to protect myself 

Am I a good person if I take a hit to protect you 

If my honesty breaks your heart

would it still be considered a virtue

If my deceit brings you sweet day dreams

then my sleep is filled with nightmares 

If my total and utter transparency

completely strips you of your self agency

All will be forgiven

if my intentions are pure

with the desire to make myself more self aware

Right?

If the hand I have been dealt

has been a labrynth

through mine fields

of sin and sorrow and wrong

but all of it has been right for me

does that mean my story will be called out

as hustle, justification and excuse

playing, gaming and shade

or will it be met with an effort to understand

that it is really just a misdirection of pain

I am the master gas-lighter

in this recovery program

ain’t nobody counting cards

except me

I am the dealer

the wheeler

and the chump

So place your bets

Show your hand

All trump on the table

All clothes on the floor

No matter what hand you are dealt

No matter what tricks you trade

nobody wins this naked spade game

Unless

you

strip