"I would just like to find out if my
sister is OK too"
she
said through purple bruised lips
Same
color as the scarf I had just given my grandmother
on
new years eve before she started to have chest pains
could
not catch her breath
Her dark
eyes sunk back into her head
with
retreat and worry and pain
Her
skin was porcelain
as
if shock had just set in
Her
hair a red shock of wild that twisted around
her
small frail frame
my
grandmother's roommate
room
241
It
was the 5th or 6th time I had been there to visit
and
still she sits alone on the other side of the curtain
no
visitors coming to see her as of yet that I know of
Scared
and alone
and
it frightened me
so
I retreated
didn't
ask the questions that rose from my chest
what about your sister
what happened to you
tell me who you are
why are you here alone
left to deal with your obvious agony
all by yourself
didn’t
ask the questions that stuck in my throat
I
thought of her as I walked through the grocery store
selecting
bright pink flowers for my grandmother
who
so deserves my love and affection
Hair
on fire deserves love and affection too
so
I pick out some white ones
with
sparkles on the petals
I
hoped they would bring healing
I
hoped they would bring peace
I
hoped they would bring her people to her
I
still think of her now
Ashamed
of my fear
as
if it was even possible for her to harm anyone
Ashamed
of the trite goodbyes
we
all gave her as we left the room
Ashamed
of the goodbye I wanted to
but
did not give her
Ashamed
of not reaching out
the
way that I should have
Ashamed
of my inability to change her life
or
give her hope
My
grandmother was afraid too
Why
didnt I behave the way that I wanted to
Why
didn’t I choose to be the example
of
how one should behave
I
should have took her hand
I
should have looked her in the eyes
I
should have wished her peace
and
good
and
love
and
a fast recovery
as
her twin sister finally sat in the corner chair
bent
and crooked with osteoporosis
looking
up at me sweetly from the same deep sunken eyes
neatly
cut bangs
soft
and gentle demeanor
A
missed opportunity to see them as they were
in
that present moment
the
way that I see them now
I
didn’t even recognize that they were twins
I
missed the opportunity
my vision was clouded
by discomfort and self limitation
by my fears of the unknown
my
fears of being asked for something extra
in
my state of tired
from
caring for my momentarily ailing grandmother
I
sensed that this woman had a long road ahead of her
in
a life that may not have very much road left
Just
like my grandmother
How
many times will I look in the rearview mirror
2020
vision is blurred by neck pain anyway
from
looking over your shoulder all the time
How
long before I let go of the should
and
just have the moment
I
am tired of limiting myself for the comfort of others
I'm
tired of being afraid
I
am tired of being tired
so
instead of a possible connection
she
is yet another lesson
the
test never looks like I think it's going to
Twin
sisters in a hospital room
frail
long
locked
bent
and worn
gentle
and timid
quiet
and inquisitive
respectful
and yearning
within
arms reach
God
has many clever disguises
and
to touch each other souls
is
nothing to be afraid of
and
neither is my grandmother
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