New Monotypes 2017

Study of Tori 2017

Erased self portrait 2017

Room 241

"I would just like to find out if my sister is OK too"

she said through purple bruised lips 

Same color as the scarf I had just given my grandmother

on new years eve before she started to have chest pains

could not catch her breath

Her dark eyes sunk back into her head

with retreat and worry and pain

Her skin was porcelain

as if shock had just set in

Her hair a red shock of wild that twisted around

her small frail frame

my grandmother's roommate

room 241

It was the 5^th or 6^th  time I had been there to visit

and still she sits alone on the other side of the curtain

no visitors coming to see her as of yet that I know of

Scared and alone

and it frightened me

so I retreated

didn't ask the questions that rose from my chest

what about your sister

what happened to you

tell me who you are

why are you here alone

left to deal with your obvious agony

all by yourself

didn’t ask the questions that stuck in my throat

I thought of her as I walked through the grocery store

selecting bright pink flowers for my grandmother

who so deserves my love and affection

Hair on fire deserves love and affection too

so I pick out some white ones

with sparkles on the petals

I hoped they would bring healing

I hoped they would bring peace

I hoped they would bring her people to her

I still think of her now

Ashamed of my fear

as if it was even possible for her to harm anyone

Ashamed of the trite goodbyes

we all gave her as we left the room

Ashamed of the goodbye I wanted to

but did not give her

Ashamed of not reaching out

the way that I should have

Ashamed of my inability to change her life

or give her hope

My grandmother was afraid too 

Why didnt I behave the way that I wanted to

Why didn’t I choose to be the example

of how one should behave

I should have took her hand

I should have looked her in the eyes

I should have wished her peace

and good

and love

and a fast recovery

as her twin sister finally sat in the corner chair

bent and crooked with osteoporosis

looking up at me sweetly from the same deep sunken eyes

neatly cut bangs

soft and gentle demeanor

A missed opportunity to see them as they were

in that present moment

the way that I see them now

I didn’t even recognize that they were twins

I missed the opportunity

my vision was clouded 

by discomfort and self limitation

by my fears of the unknown

my fears of being asked for something extra

in my state of tired

from caring for my momentarily ailing grandmother

I sensed that this woman had a long road ahead of her

in a life that may not have very much road left

Just like my grandmother

How many times will I look in the rearview mirror

2020 vision is blurred by neck pain anyway

from looking over your shoulder all the time

How long before I let go of the should

and just have the moment

I am tired of limiting myself for the comfort of others

I'm tired of being afraid 

I am tired of being tired

so instead of a possible connection

she is yet another lesson

the test never looks like I think it's going to 

Twin sisters in a hospital room

frail

long locked

bent and worn 

gentle and timid 

quiet and inquisitive

respectful and yearning

within arms reach

God has many clever disguises

and to touch each other souls

is nothing to be afraid of

and neither is my grandmother