Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Ghost




Lately I feel haunted 
by a ghost that flaunts 
and taunts me
A devil spawn
I cannot blame
on another tomb
cannot name 
on another womb
Not born inside me
but a self possession 
nonetheless
I inhaled 
from the ghosts 
that came before me 
A legacy
a blood related quality
that I don’t want
It
is a violent mystery
that goes back
farther than I can trace
my genetic history
Like a ghost train
speeding in my direction
I watched my parents take the baton
from their own
They sprinted with
it
oblivious to the relay race
and I was running so fast
that I took the baton without knowing
even though I swore
It
was never my intention

White, hot rage
Endless, chronic anger
I feel afflicted with
Boa constricted in
I have resisted
it
Avoided
it
Misunderstood
it
Criticized
it
and carried
it
around
Emotionally illiterate
my whole life
Now
I look in the mirror
and I am disgusted
indignant
Behavior so obvious that
it
would be dangerous
not to claim
I don’t know where
it
started
and I don’t know where
it
ends
I wish I could say that I will be the one ending
it
But a promise is meaningless
if you know you have already broken
it
As soon as I find another layer
I find another layer
It
is a self fulfilling prophecy
An awful Ouroborus
A trait that transfers
itself
through the act of being
itself
If
it
goes uninspected
righteously protected
uncorrected
or inappropriately directed
it
is perpetually projected
in every direction
It
makes me want to apologize
for the first time
I picked
it
up
Like a flat sleek rock on a sandy beach
I skipped
it
across the water
watched the ripples scatter
In awe of the power that one stone can hold
I want to apologize
to the ones who have held 
the boulder of being close to me
I want to apologize 
to every person
I ever kicked
even the tiniest pebble
In their direction

No comments: